


Super Soak That Ho

by silentwalrus



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, Dildos, Engagement, Gay Marriage, In-Universe Avengers Ripoff Movies, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-02
Updated: 2015-07-02
Packaged: 2018-04-07 06:35:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4253073
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentwalrus/pseuds/silentwalrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It all starts with them going to a movie. “Let’s see this one,” Steve says, pointing to the listing for ARRANGERS: RAGE OF MEGATRON. “It’s supposed to be based on a true story.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Bucky says. They go to the movies.</p>
<p>This is crack, guys. Expect no redeeming features here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Super Soak That Ho

**Author's Note:**

> EDIT: if you're coming here from If They Haven't Learned Your Name, then all I have to say is: welcome to disappointment! This is just awful crack. Enjoy? 
> 
>  
> 
> Let me just say that it's pretty fitting that this is my first fic published. Special shoutout to SCOTUS and their gay agenda, laflordorada for Arrangers: Rage of Megatron and everything that entails, and an extra-special shoutout to my gf and co-author. She knows what she did.

It all starts with them going to a movie. “Let’s see this one,” Steve says, pointing to the listing for ARRANGERS: RAGE OF MEGATRON. “It’s supposed to be based on a true story.”

“Fine,” Bucky says. They go to the movies. It takes them a while to get ready, because Steve and Bucky always bring their own snacks. They finally finish loading the forklift with popcorn, candy and soda and head to the theater. They pass posters for Capitalist Amoeba: The Winking Stoner and go to find their seats. 

The movie is great, but Bucky can’t help but feel like there’s something naggingly familiar about the characters. 

“We’re soldiers,” Steel Rodher snarls at Toby Spork. 

“No,” Spork intones. “I’m a bazillionaire Einstein charity-money-giving pornstar.”

Two people in black leather catsuits with strategic cutouts strut onto screen. 

“I’m Nitrogen Runoff,” the woman says sexily, flexing her butt.

“And I’m Clit Barhome,” the man says. “We’re assassins.”

“Sex assassins,” Nitrogen moans. “That means I’m empowered.”

“I AM BOAR, SON OF OMEN,” a giant blond man with a mullet roars. He smashes his enemies with a magic anvil that also flies and shoots lightning. 

“We have to find Brute Boner,” Nitrogen breathes. “He’s the only one who can help us defeat Lurky.”

“We don’t need fuckin’ Boner,” Nate Furry says. “We need his big blue mother fucker alter ego. We need... the Chunk.”

“SUCH PUNY VAGINAS!!” Lurky screams, his mullet streaming on the winds of aliens he pulls out of the ground. 

"WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO SAVE THE EARTH,” Toby screams, “BUT WE'LL DAMN WELL ARRANGE IT!" 

"BY COLOR," Steel snarls.

"BY PRICE ," Toby yells.

"SIZE!!!!" Chunk smashes.

"Edge sharpness," Nitrogen says menacingly.

"ELECTRIC CHARGE," Boar bellows, waving his anvil. 

"I--- actually that sounds good," Brute says, suddenly shrinking down to his normal human self. “And-- hey, where’s Clit?” 

"FUCK Clit," Whedong the director yells. Bucky chews his popcorn. This shit’s getting five stars from him on Rotten Tomatoes. 

Steve is oddly quiet on the way home. He stares into the night like he’s looking for Freedom. 

Bucky steps on his foot. “What is it, sugar tits?”

Steve sighs a great and noble sigh. “That movie… inspired me, Buck. I just think it’s… time to try something new. Explore new horizons. Discover new things.” 

“You’re talking about our sex life, aren’t you.”

“Exactly. I think we should try some of my sex toys.”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Bucky says, crossing himself. 

 

They’ll start out small, Steve says. Something nice and easy. He offers Bucky a lurid red white and blue monstrosity. “Let’s start with this one.”

"Steve,” Bucky says, staring. “Steve, I don't think it'll fit."

"’Course it will, it's molded from my dick."

"What."

"What."

"What?"

"Wh...at?"

"Steve. That’s like a foot long."

".... Yeah? Have you seen me?"

Bucky gets up. He has to go find his fainting couch.

 

"It looks like I forgot more than I thought," Bucky murmurs sadly, staring at the ceiling from his fainting couch. It’s pink paisley and very plush. 

"Yeah, I don't know how you forgot that either," Steve says thoughtfully. He’s not allowed anywhere near the fainting couch, so he’s across the room with his arms folded. He’s wedged the dildo in between his arms and his chest so it’s sticking out from his man cleavage like a gigantic plastic third nipple. He’s such a drama queen. 

“God damn it, Steven.”

Steve sighs. “Okay, look, I know the racing stripes are fattening," he says, "But I promise it's the same size as my dick. It just LOOKS bigger."

Steve is 100% confident about his dick. The serum did affect it, and not that it wasn’t disproportionate before the serum, but it was disproportionate in… the other direction. 

Bucky is less than 50% confident about Steve’s dick. This is a normal state of affairs. The first time he saw it full frontal he had to blink and rub his eyes a little. 

“I’m going to do terrible things to your prostate,” Steve had said, his hands on his hips and his pants around his ankles.  
Bucky had stared at it like a math equation. "How the f- how the fuck. How th-"

“Go ahead,” Steve says kindly. “Take it in.”

“I’m not sure that’s physically possible,” Bucky had muttered. He tried putting his hand over it to hide it from view. It didn’t cover it. He had to use both hands. There was still some dong sticking out. "Steve. This is the worst thing -"

Steve rolled his eyes. “Best. You mean best--”

"I mean I'M GOING TO HAVE TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER THIS, STEVE!"

"Bucky, you've got a dick like a coke can,” Steve said patiently. “I don’t know what your problem is."

"Coke cans aren’t nine inches long, Steve!!”

"Good thing you haven't had a gag reflex since '38,” Steve said placidly.

“That is not the issue at hand, Steven!”

“You’re still gonna do it though.”

Bucky squared his shoulders. He was going to do it. No dick in Brooklyn could best James Buchanan Barnes. He had his honor to uphold. 

 

He has to uphold it in 2015, too. “Okay,” Bucky says, staring at the dildo cradled against Steve’s bosoms. “Okay. I’ll try your damn Cap Cock--”

“It’s called The Devastator,” Steve says helpfully. “It only plays Star Spangled Man if you press the side button--”

“You are NOT HELPING, STEVEN,” Bucky shrieks manfully. 

“Oh come on, Buck. This is the smallest dildo I own.”

“Oh, believe me, I know,” Bucky says darkly. 

"I mean, this isn’t even the Hulkinator--"

Bucky outright refuses to touch the Hulkinator. "Quadruple motor," Steve points out, as if this is what will sell Bucky on it. "Eighteen speeds and settings and thrusting motion."

“I’m not fucking touching it, Steve.”

“Why? It’s so nice!”

“Well one, it's like 4 inches all around, and two, the vibrations are strong enough to levitate me - actually levitate me-- off the fuckin' bed. I want a sex toy not a goddamn jetpack. No thanks,” Bucky snarls. “And thirdly, .that thing goes 'HULK SMASH' every fucking time it thrusts in me, anD IF I WANTED TO HEAR THAT WHILE RUINING MY PELVIC MUSCLES I'D FUCK THE REAL DEAL!!"

Steve suddenly looks very thoughtful.

"No," Bucky whispers, horrified. “What have I done. NO. NO!!!!”

"Don't worry, Buck," Steve says, waving a hand. “I wasn't thinking about that for you--"

"I KNOW!!" Bucky yells. " I don't care WHAT kind of super soldier butthole you've got, if that goes anywhere near you I'M FILING FOR DIVORCE!"

Steve's head whips around. "But we're not---"

And that’s how Captain America gets engaged. 

 

Of course, they don’t actually marry for a while, because Steve is the kind of killjoy that’ll put off being married as a form of political protest. Bucky is, frankly, grateful. Their celebratory engagement sex had left him limping for a week. 

Then the SCOTUS ruling happens, and it all goes downhill from there. 

The news breaks during a debriefing, and naturally Tony cuts Fury off and projects the news feed onto the wall screen. Bucky reads the ticker tape and pales.

Sam nudges him. “Hey, man, what’s up? I thought you’d be happy about this.”

Bucky stares straight ahead, not making eye contact with Steve, who is burning two holes into the back of Bucky’s head. 

“I’m not gonna be able to move for a solid month,” Bucky whispers, staring into the void. The void stares back sympathetically and shows him leading hemorrhoid cream brands. 

“What?” Sam whispers back. 

“And that’s _with_ the advanced healing factor.”

Sam’s brow furrows. 

Under the table, Steve revs The Devastator. 

Sam becomes enlightened and immediately regrets it. “Oh FUCK NO.” 

Tony whips around. “Why, Sam! You homophone!”

“More like homoBONE amiright Steve,” Natasha says. Steve and Natasha high five so hard the table cracks in half. 

“I need to go home right now immediately,” Sam says. 

"So do we," Steve says, and clears half the Avengers' coffee mugs off the boardroom table in his dive for Bucky.

 

Later that night, Bucky waddles out of the bedroom and collapses on his fainting couch, his butthole steaming a little. Steve’s in the bedroom patting his dick with a fire blanket. “I was thinking a beach wedding,” he calls. “On the docks.”

Bucky slowly raises his left arm. One by one, he folds down his thumb, pointer, ring finger, and pinky.

“Your ring looks so nice in the evening light,” Steve says happily. 

Bucky buries his head against his couch in despair. On his ring finger, a diamond shaped like a buttplug winks merrily.


End file.
